Mother’s guilt
A simple wooden filing cabinet with its drawers open revealed neatly organized files, all in perfect alignment.
Next to the filing cabinet there were five to six large hanging file folders that looked discarded. Some even had cobwebs on them. It was obvious these long file folders would never fit in the filing cabinet. I had an overwhelming feeling that they didn’t belong anywhere. Their presence made me feel a sense of dissonance.
“What now, God?”
“The filing cabinet with the neatly organized files are your memories of the event. The dissonant files are painful memories, times you felt you could have done better. These files contain thoughts of, ‘What’s wrong with me. Why didn’t I? I should have known better.’ They contain memories stored with thoughts, feelings and interpretations that don’t line up to the will of God for your life or your families. These files confuse your mind, leaving you constantly reliving the past and yet never dealing with it.”
He paused, letting me process the information, and then began again.
“Do you try to re-write your story?”
My mind wrested with the thought. Of course, it’s impossible. You can’t re-write the past, and yet a disturbing truth wiggled its way into my consciousness.
“Yes. Yes, I’m trying to fix the past.”
A wave of grace washed over me. That’s the best way I can describe what happened. I was being convicted and yet bathed in perfect love.
“Daughter, you are operating in pride.”
The truth hit me with peace and not pain. “Yes.”
My pride was revealed in my desire and belief I could have and/or should have done better. I’m not God, I’m not omniscient. I don’t know all things and control all things. Yet, I expected myself to do just that, how arrogant.
“What must I do? I can’t keep reliving these horrible memories.”
“Repent for pride and lack of forgiveness.”
“I forgave the doctors, remember?”
“Forgive yourself, daughter. Forgive yourself.”
A cry came from a deep place within me. He waited.
“When you made your decisions. Did you do it from a place without love?”
“You know the answer.”
“Yes, but do you?”
I rolled around on the floor for quite some time, repenting, crying and forgiving myself for everything I could think of. This went on for nearly an hour from start of prayer to the end.
After I looked at my motives, all my actions came from a place of deep love. There were times I acted from a state of panic and ignorance. But I never lacked love.
I had a deep understanding that this is enough for our Savior. He judges the intents of our hearts. He does not judge us on outcomes.
***
It’s time to say goodbye to mother’s guilt. We jest about mother’s guilt, making it seem like an everyday thing we must tolerate. But in truth, it’s straight from hell. Mother’s guilt, steals and destroys our lives by altering our memories, stealing our time by constantly reliving the past and taking our focus off Jesus.
Enough is enough, mother’s guilt be gone in Jesus’ name.
“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:16-20
Prayer for me and you:
Jesus, You desire our hearts to be fully available to You and to our families. They can’t be if we partner with mother’s guilt. We forgive ourselves for our lack of understanding and lack of truth in making our decisions. We flush mother’s guilt out of our lives in Jesus’ name. Replace it with Your perfect love. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
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